Ready

adjective (readier, readiest)

• [predic.] in a suitable state for an activity, action, or situation; fully prepared
• (of a thing) made suitable and available for immediate use
• (ready with) keen or quick to give
• (ready for) in need of or having a desire for
• [with infinitive] eager, inclined, or willing to do something
• [with infinitive] in such a condition as to be likely to do something easily available or obtained; within reach 
• [attributive] immediate, quick, or prompt

noun (plural readies)

(readies or the ready) British informal

• available money; cash.

verb (readies, readying, readied)

[with object]

prepare (someone or something) for an activity or purpose

Origin:

Middle English: from Old English rǣde (from a Germanic base meaning 'arrange, prepare'; related to Dutch gereed) + -y¹

^{http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/ready}

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One year ago today, I started my blog. In October, I stopped sharing my blog. I don't think, during the blog's hiatus, I ever stopped writing the blog.

The last post I wrote within Blogger, with the intent to share, was for the word BEAR. When it was completed, I ran through the edit check, posted the entry, and created the Facebook link. Less than a minute later, I pulled the post down. What I'd posted likely received a read or two in that short period of time, something that still bothers me.  Preventing it from being read further seemed necessary. 

What, then, caused me to pull the post back? Fear. That's all and that's enough. What I had to say in that post was both deeply personal and painful. With a history of shush and my, perhaps outdated, understanding that pain should be held to oneself, leaving BEAR out there wasn't an option for me.

I've spent a few days trying to determine what word would work best to nudge myself back into writing AND publishing the blog. As of this moment, 10:40 AM on January 12th, 2014, I don't have one. I'm trusting that by the end of writing, one will float to the surface.

I've been on vacation for the past week, a much needed, much treasured 'staycation.' I've done some writing, read two-and-a-half books, drawn, and painted. I rearranged the books in my office bookcases according to color. I listened to CDs I haven't played in years, rediscovering two favorites. I've barely left the house. Until yesterday, I was headache free and sleeping relatively well. Last night, I went to bed with yesterday's headache, dreamed uncomfortable dreams, and woke with the same headache. I was to go for a haircut today at 11, but couldn't BEAR to leave the house on the last day I didn't have to leave the house. Instead, I'm soaking in a bath with patchouli bath salts, writing, readying myself to do some more painting and some more reading. I'm readying myself to do more of what I love.

Ready? Perhaps ready is the word and perhaps I am ready or ready enough or maybe I'll only be able to determine a level of readiness at the done end of that thing or event or challenge or thought or blog post or, at it's simplest, the first Monday back at work after vacation. Perhaps I won't know if I'm ready to go to the 6 month follow-up with the oncologist next Monday until after I've left. Likely, even then, I won't know. The only time I am ever ready is during. Doubt and fear jam before and after. During, save for messages meant more to assist and course correct, I'm too busy doing to worry, to fear, to judge, or to doubt. When I'm 'during,' truly engaged, my attention cannot be taken or given to anything or anyone in any way removed from the 'during.'

  

I can't always be 'during,' though, and I'm not sure that's necessarily bad. Likely you've realized, at one point or another, that past and future  leak in, almost without regard, just before or just after your time with 'during.' Maybe what you haven't realized or, like me, haven't been fully able to take, is the idea that the leak in is meant to either focus us or have us reflect on an aspect of the 'during' we might otherwise miss. 

What about being ready, then? Can we be? Or are we always? Is the time spent debating ready about collecting the necessary tools or learning how to use them? Perhaps. I don't propose to have even a sliver of it all figured out and I'll keep spinning the ideas in my head until I fall into 'during' just as I'm ready... and, so, I'm posting BEAR as well during this readiness debate with myself. It and I, were, are, and will be, ready.