free: able to act or be done as one wishes; not under the control of another; not or no longer confined or imprisoned; not subject to engagements or obligations; not subject to or affected by; (of the wind) blowing from a favourable direction to the side or aft of a vessel
http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/free?q=free
++above picture was originally titled "Hair Watch-2010" Fresh scars, fuzzy hair, minimal eyebrows, and the start of a new journey I still consider new
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This week I marked the 3rd anniversary of my final chemotherapy treatment. At the time of diagnosis with Stage IV Hogdkins disease, I was 31 years old, working full time and only about a month into pursuing my M.A. degree in Creative Writing. Three years later, I've completed that M.A. degree and my M.F.A. degree. This semester marks the fourth consecutive semester I've been lucky enough to teach at Misericordia University in Dallas, PA while still working full time at Prudential. On February 5th, the actual anniversary date, I also celebrated 9 months of of my marriage-- a marriage courtesy of the great state of New York, warm-hearted, level-headed friends and family, and the best-spent tax returns in the history of the universe. Oh, and my wife.
When I woke on Tuesday morning, though I've tried to break myself of the habit, I grabbed my cell phone, opened Facebook, and updated my status to reflect the importance of the day.
6:15 AM-- 2/5: 9 months married and 3 years cancer free.
Cancer FREE.
Free is the assumption.
The last bloodwork drawn and analyzed for my primary and my oncologist pointed towards free. My last scan was this past June and the next will be this coming June. It is the first time I've gone longer than 3-6 months between scans in 3 years.
As every anniversary--every significant day--approaches, I am not free from cancer. As I sneak towards my surgery and diagnosis dates in July, or my bone marrow biopsy or PET scan dates in August, cancer reminds me it is still a part of me, regardless of what a scan or white blood cell count might say. My bones ache in just the same way, my head hurts, I feel sickness creeping into my gut and up into my mouth. And I'm lucky, because once these dates pass, the aches generally do too.
Yet, I cross paths with cancer more frequently, it seems. I see and recognize the woman at work or on the street, a scarf pulled around her head, and instead of trying to turn away as I had before people turned away from me, I look at her and smile and the smile is because I felt so much more grounded when I had cancer, so much more connected to the simplicity that comes from the routine of appointments and tests and naps. I was, in the midst of treatment when I had cancer, more free from cancer than I am now.
I don't say any of this in any way trying to minimize someone else's battle...particularly an active battle. I do, however, recognize that while my body may not show signs of the disease, freedom from the effects and far-reaching fingers dipping into daily duties may never come. And this is OK. This is a welcome present...most of the time.
I carry cancer tucked into my other days. I carry lots of hurts and experiences responsible for their own timely illuminations. I have hurt and I will continue to hurt. Yet, I am blessed to see the many opportunities, relations, discussions, and presents snuck into my world.
Perhaps that is how one becomes free.
Freedom is not in the world -- it is in the mind. <3 Happy 3 years. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ally! :)
ReplyDeleteWhile I am still in treatment, I struggle with the concept of being free from cancer as well. How does one ever forget or ever truly relax? It seems to me that you can bury it a bit, but it's always there. And, as you say, maybe that's not a bad thing. It gives great perspective to life.
ReplyDeleteHappy 3 years, and Happy 9 months!