Expect

verb
regard (something) as likely to happen; regard (someone) as likely to do or be something; used to indicate that one supposes something to be so, but has no firm evidence or knowledge

Origin:

mid 16th century (in the sense 'defer action, wait'): from Latin exspectare 'look out for', from ex- 'out' + spectare 'to look' (frequentative of specere 'see')

http://oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/expect

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There's a TRAIN song...

"Sing Together"

If I go before I say to everyone in my ballet
Let me take this chance to thank you for the dance
If I run out of songs to sing to take your mind off everything
Just smile, sit a while with the

Sun on your face and remember the place we met
Take a breath and soon I bet you'll see
Without you I would never be me
You are the leaves of my family tree

Sing together
If you knew me from the very start,
Or we met last week at the grocery mart
Just sing together
It's the least that I can do
My final gift to you
Oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oooo

When I'm past the pearly gate, I will find some real estate
Where we can settle down and watch the world go round
We'll send down all the love we got and let them know we got a spot
For them to be and it's all free,

The sun on your face and remember the place we met
Take a breath and soon I bet you'll see
Without you I would never be me
You are the leaves of my family tree

Sing together
If you knew me from the very start,
Or not at all you're still a part, just
Sing together
It's the least that I can do
My final gift to you
Oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oooo
Oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oo oooo

Sometimes, when I drive, and the song plays, I imagine it playing at my funeral...imagine its simplicity...imagine who would connect that simplicity with the simple desire I had for happiness. Happy times like playing with the dog or her morning flops beside me in bed...times like the wedding or the joy of the first Spring morning after leaving the windows open for the first time after a long winter.  In those moments, I know I'm not a bad person so I look back for them. But when I look back, I find a great deal of other 'stuff' mixed in and that leaves me hurting.

I've felt sick for a very VERY long time. When cancer emerged, I was almost grateful that something someone else could recognize, proved that I was, indeed, full of disease.  Scans and bloodwork proved it.  I felt heard. What I'd held, what I'm certain I was born with, had finally boiled over--sent  splatters flying over the edges of my skin leaving burns.

I received a voicemail from the oncology office on Friday that my CT scan was stable. I missed the call and despite the invite on the voicemail to call if I had any questions, I didn't call back because I didn't want to bother anyone. That is something I do when I feel like I have the past few weeks. I lose the kick to move and should I start to feel myself move, I effectively kick myself back down. When you believe you deserve to be kicked, the safest way to be kicked is to kick yourself.

I expected the good news to alleviate some, if not all, of the anxiety I've been feeling for the past month. That hasn't happened. By no means does that indicate that I'm not grateful for the results and for the chance to move another year into this person others seem to believe me capable of becoming. But I'm stubborn. I fight them, because I don't believe them. The expectations are too high. But I can set them higher. High enough that they aren't attainable because that way, all I do is fail myself and can be, and remain, solely responsible, solely to blame. And I've always felt at fault.

I don't know what forward looks like right now. I don't know when this pattern will break. I don't know what I'm expecting of myself.  But, as always, I'm trying. I push myself...hard...maybe too hard and maybe, sometimes, in the wrong direction. Now that I'm done waiting for the phone call, I feel like I'm waiting for the next thing. In that place, I'm bringing in incredibly vivid pictures of old things....a song setting off a memory I'd never had before, a dream I wake anxious from that is full until I try to store it. 

This week, I'm going to try to borrow patience from you and expect that I'm going to feel better soon. Because my body is tired and my mind is exhausted and I'd rather be delivering happiness than trying to determine what I'm expecting.